Hiatus...

Good morning everyone. Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I think I am going through the busiest time in my life: new daughter, new job, moving out of state, etc.

I'm hoping that in the next little bit I will be able to get back on track. Meantime, look what I snapped on my way to work. Utah, I will miss you...

All the ties ever worn in General Conference...

...from 1971 to 1983, with occasional talks missing here and there.

Last October I was watching conference and checking the Bloggernacle at the same time (not a good idea by the way!) I noticed that during the live blogs people would post about the ties the brethren were wearing. I thought, "Wouldn't it be cool to have a collage of every tie worn during general conference?" 

A few months earlier I had spotted this and it had been kicking around in the back of my mind. Then it clicked. That's how I could get all the pics into an easy to view format. There was just the little matter of learning HTML...

Before we get to the viewer, a few provisos:

1. When I started this project my plan was to get every picture saved, up to the most recent conference. I didn't realize how tedious this would be so I made an arbitrary decision to stop where I was and publish what I had. Someday I may finish it out...
2. Some pics for some years are missing because LDS.org simply doesn't have them. Certain sessions will have some talks and not others. It's strange.  
3. I apologize there aren't any tags on the photos. There is a way to do it with a mouse hover but I'm not savvy enough to figure it out.
4. I'm sorry if you are using Internet Explorer. This won't work with that. I've tried Chrome, Safari, iPad, iPhone, etc. They all work. Not sure why IE doesn't. Maybe because it is IE...

I wanted to point out a few interesting things I found while doing this project. Since I don't have tags I will use the orange picture in the middle-right as a reference point (the pic of Pres. Benson being photo bombed). Consider that the south-east corner of temple square. Everything will emanate from that. 

12 Left and 9 Down, just over N. Eldon Tanner's right shoulder, you can see some clown in the tabernacle choir has sneaked (snuck?) a camera into conference. Elder Tanner is conducting a solemn assembly and they are about to sustain Harold B. Lee as the new prophet. I guess this guy wanted some memorabilia.

13 Up and 14 Left: is this the first sister to speak in conference? Back in the day they used to run a welfare session of conference once a year (on Monday?) This is Barbara B. Smith, general relief society president, speaking at the welfare session.

14 Up and 8 Left as well as 3L and 8D you can see a speaker with a mustache. This good brother was the secretary to the 1st presidency. In April of '74 though he shows up clean shaven.

10L and 5D you see a group of people. During the solemn assembly October 1972 the priesthood was organized by 'rank' and seated in cardinal direction (high priests east I think, elders west, etc.) They were voting by quorums. This group of men are the patriarchs. I've always been fascinated by patriarchs and it was cool to see almost all the patriarchs of the church seated together.

7L and 6D you can see Elder McConkie with his arm around Marion G. Romney. The reason is Elder Romney was conducting the October 1980 sustaining of church leaders and some people had just very vocally voted "No!" for President Kimball. It flustered Pres. Romney, bless his heart, so Bruce R. stepped in to help him out. It's quite tender. The video is here.

6L and 2D as well as 9L and 7D show two of the youngest people to speak in conference. Both were during a priesthood session. The first boy is named Michael Nicholas and the second is Matthew Holland. He happens to be Jeffrey R. Holland's boy. And no, he doesn't speak like his father (who does?)

7L and 6U shows Pres. Kimball's secretary reading Pres. Kimball's talk while he looks on. As you know, Pres. Kimball had throat trouble during his presidency.

10U and 11L: If looks could kill! 12U and 9L: J/K!

Now, lets get to the ties! Click on the image and enjoy. 

Advice column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: I am a 25 year old single female. The other day I read your column about the father that had become addicted to p0rn after watching the breastfeeding channel in the hospital. I'll do you one better. I majored in environmental studies while attending the University of Utah. During one class they showed a documentary about geoducks. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Not only do they look like, um, a johnson, but their name literally means "dig deep". I was hooked. Next thing you know I'm staying up all night, searching the internet for images or videos of geoducks. I started missing classes. Then that wasn't enough. I thought about moving to the north west to be closer to them and I tried to grow those wiener mushrooms. I even thought about buying a dachshund and I'm allergic. I'm hooked. What can I do?
--Can't get enough Carly

Sorry I haven't posted for a few days...

...I've been working on the second best* post to hit the internet of all time. It should be up in the next day or two. Stay tuned.


*Number one post haz something to do with cats I believe...

Anti-Mormon publisher goes bankrupt, turns to Salt Lake Tribune comments section to continue ministry

SALT LAKE CITY - Sandy Cooper has had a tough time lately. Her three cats recently died, her trailer home was impounded, and her anti-Mormon bookstore went bankrupt. Despite all of this she remains upbeat. We stopped by her Dodge Dart for a quick chat to find out what keeps her going.

"Even with all the bad stuff happening to me right now I can keep going. I can keep going because I've been saved by the Lord Jesus Christ," exclaims Sandy. "Plus I gain inspiration by seeing all my fellow citizens of Utah walking in darkness. They need salvation. They need their eyes opened to the light of Christ. I can do that."

Sandy's bookstore, called the Utah Lighthouse Ministry and Hooka Lounge, was closed because she couldn't make rent. Her plan to spread the word moving forward?

Former Utah Lighthouse Ministry and Hooka Lounge

"The Salt Lake Tribune online comments section. Praise Jesus, that thing is free and I can access it from any library in the valley. I don't know if you read the Trib, as the kids call it, but every story's comment section is full of anti-Mormon goodness. I don't care what the story is on. People talking at concerts? Check. An NBA player coming out of the closet? Check. A story about out of wedlock births? You bet. This is the perfect spot for me to continue my ministry!"

The best part for Sandy is the anonymity afforded.

"I need to come up with a good handle and avatar. Something that is totally hilarious and witty to me but makes absolutely no sense to anyone else. Regardless, this is going to be fun."

Sandy expects to be "up and running" within a week.

"Harold and Maude actually just liked potatoes and Cornflakes," says director

"You taste crunchy yet buttery..."

SAN FRANCISCO - Director Hal Ashby, who helmed Shampoo and Coming Home, recently sat down to answer questions about his most popular work, Harold and Maude. He says that he feels compelled to set the record straight on the misunderstanding around his beloved movie.

"I felt like the time is right to tell the truth about Harold and Maude," said Ashby. "People think it is about two star-crossed lovers obsessed with death. That's not it at all. Harold and Maude really just loved potatoes and Cornflakes. That's the reason they went to so many funerals. There was nothing dark or sinister about their motives. Bottom line? They had sophisticated palettes."

Why is the director speaking out now? "With the 42nd anniversary edition of the movie coming out I wanted to let people know the score," explained Ashby. "The special edition DVD will include some deleted scenes that will help shed some light on this. For example, there is a scene where Harold and Maude are having dinner inside a cultural hall and they can be seen eating green jello with shredded carrots."

The anniversary edition DVD comes out May 2nd and will be available in local Graywhales.



As always, if you have any 'news' tips or would like to see a certain topic covered, email us at astutedoofus@gmail.com. We'll give you props in the story.

Make your own garments?! Are we being gaslighted here?

I considered myself pretty astute when it comes to sniffing out hoaxes but I admit, this one has me stumped. Trust me, I would never consider being this tacky. Could this possibly be for real? Or are these people taking the piss? Let me know what you think.

Pick up lines to use at your next LaDaSa church function

From our friends at @OnlyMormons (follow them now!) come some incredibly useful pick up lines. 60% of the time they work every time. Just don't forget to invite me to your wedding.

Girl, are you the First Vision? Because your brightness and glory defy all description...

Girl you're so hot you could have burned Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego...

Hey girl, wanna hold the priesthood? Then come over here and give me a hug...

So last night I was reading the book of Numbers and I realized I don't have yours...

Girl are you an apricot tree? Because you get my popcorn poppin...

Girl you are like the workmanship of Laban's Sword: exceedingly fine...

Girl that is some fine twined linen you've got going on...

What's a Celestial girl like you doing in a Telestial place like this?

Girl even if I lived in the 1800s I wouldn't marry another person once I got you...

As always, if you have any 'news' tips or would like to see a certain topic covered, email us at astutedoofus@gmail.com. We'll give you props in the story

Pres. Uchtdorf responds to the clown who shouted "Amen!" at the end of his priesthood talk

In case you missed this (fast forward to the very end).

As always, if you have any 'news' tips or would like to see a certain topic covered, email us at astutedoofus@gmail.com. We'll give you props in the story

My take on what is going on over at By Common Consent...

There's currently much ado going on over at BCC. First world spiritual problems?

As always, if you have any 'news' tips or would like to see a certain topic covered, email us at astutedoofus@gmail.com. We'll give you props in the story.

Rare photo of Steve Martin teaching Gospel Doctrine

A lesson on not being a jerk, maybe?

If I'm ever in a church court I hope Bro. Cooper is on my side!

I don't know about you but I would have sung more heartily had Sis. Manson been my primary chorister.

The mission certainly packs on the pounds, doesn't it Elder Reznor?

As always, if you have any 'news' tips or would like to see a certain topic covered, email us at astutedoofus@gmail.com. We'll give you props in the story.

Farewells found to be 63% more annoying than homecomings.

"Admit it, you want to punch me in the face..."

PROVO - Researchers have just concluded a seven year study that focused on missionary farewells and homecomings. They found that homecomings were found to be 63% less annoying than farewells. The lead researcher, Gary Sanderson, spoke with us regarding his group's findings.

"We had a fairly large cross section for this study, something like six wards," explained Bro. Sanderson. "We attended several farewells and homecomings and handed out a survey afterward. The members were able to rate how annoyging the respective meetings were on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being least annoying and 10 being bishop of a singles ward. Survey after survey showed that the farewells were way more annoying."

Advice Column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: Related your discussion on the size of oil vials, some of the members in my ward have begun to ask to see documented lines of authority before accepting blessings.  One elderly near-blind sister shouts "Show me your papers!" in a rather aggressive manner, and uses a magnifying glass to examine the priesthood heritage of several people until she is satisfied. Needless to say those with the shortest lines back to Joseph Smith and the three witnesses seem to be called on more frequently than the rest of us.  Those whose lines include favored priesthood holders such as Bruce R. McConkie, James Stewart, or Eliza R. Snow seem to be particularly busy.  Mine reads like a simple list of names and dates, while some seem to have additional sought-after details such as "who was ordained whilst surrounded by angelic beings in a blazing ring of fire", or "who used their priesthood to bind up Satan for the duration of conference."  What can be done if your pedigree is lacking? 
--Onesimus

Mormons in Utah are upset after losing the title of ‘Home of the Most Embarrassing and Socially Awkward Public Stunts’

PROVO - After a Mormon missionary was proposed to in an obnoxious manner in the Oklahoma City airport, Utah LaDaSas are panicking. We spoke to Jathan Scott, BYU student and president of the Provo chapter of M.E.S.S. (Most Embarrassing Social Stunts) and asked him what the big deal is.

"You have to understand, the BYU chapter has won the MESS award for the past six years," explained Jathan. "We almost lost when those clowns up at Ricks did that lame-arse backward singing video. Luckily the MESS judges saw it for what it was (white-bread garbage) and awarded us the trophy for our brilliant Easter prank."

This time things are different. The MESS trophy went to the Oklahoma City chapter. Grand MESS president J. Brown Brownstein explained this year's upset. "We really wanted to shake things up. Honestly, there are so many dorks in Utah/Idaho that we needed some diversity. OKC gave us that opportunity," Pres Brownstein said.

So what does Jathan plan on doing to get the trophy back next year? "I don't want to give too many details but lets just say it will involve a LOT of bologna and shaving cream and one unnamed general authority."

As always, if you have any 'news' tips or would like to see a certain topic covered, email us at astutedoofus@gmail.com. We'll give you props in the story.

Advice Column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: My wife just had our third child. In a few weeks I will be doing the baby blessing. Is it considered prideful if I try to have the biggest baby blessing circle in the history of our ward?
--Peter Priesthood


DEAR PETER: Great question. This all depends on why you are trying to have the biggest blessing circle. Here are some legitimate reasons: You have a general authority in your ward and you want to impress him; you have a bush-league calling and this is the only avenue you have to shine; your bishop thinks women can't give the opening prayer in sacrament and this is a way to get back at him, etc. There are many other reasons but this should give you a good starting point. Let me know how it goes.

Formula for creating biggest prayer circle

---

DEAR DOOFUS: I was caught in an embarrassing situation the other day. One of my home teaching families asked me and my HT companion to come over and help give the mom a blessing. When we both took our oil vials out mine was so much smaller than my companion's. Needless to say I wasn't asked to give the blessing. What can I do?
--Lilliputian Larry

DEAR LARRY: I hate to break it to you but size does matter. You don't want someone inferring that their blessing is bigger than yours. I would suggest not giving any more blessings until you can procure a bigger oil vial. Maybe just stick with blessings of comfort for now. You are in luck though. The Astute Doofus store is going to start carrying oversize oil vials in the near future. Check back soon.

Which would you rather have a blessing from?

Have a questions for Doofus ex Machina? Email him at astutedoofus@gmail.com

LaDaSa woman upset that "Daddy's Homecoming" primary song doesn't mention mothers

PORTLAND - A LaDaSa feminist from Portland is upset that the primary song Daddy's Homecoming doesn't mention mothers. The song, colloquially known as "I'm so glad when daddy comes home", has caused this sister some heartburn. We sat down with Allison Davis-Holmes-Davis, author of Families with Low Self-Esteem, to get the whole story. Our interview is below:

LaDaSa church to allow prophet to pick his name 'like the popes do'

SALT LAKE CITY - The LaDaSa church announced today that the next prophet will be able to change his name upon becoming president of the church, similar to how popes pick a new name. Since 1555 each pope has chosen a new name upon his ascension to the papacy. The LaDaSa church thinks that's a good idea.

Jesus' brother Joses most likely adopted; born in Germany

ISRAEL - Archaeologists from Israel announced that they have found definitive proof that Joses, the brother of Jesus mentioned in Mark 6:3, was adopted. They posit that he was most likely from Germany. What did they find that led them to these conclusions? We spoke with Professor Rosenrosen of Jerusalem University.

"While digging in an area of Nazareth known to be Jesus' childhood home we found some interesting things," says Dr. Rosenrosen. "Foremost was a pair of well preserved sandals with the inscription 'Joses' on the heels. That in and of itself is unremarkable. What caught our eye though was the fact that these sandals were obviously not worn barefoot. Whoever owned these sandals wore them with socks!"

Dr. Rosenrosen continued, "No self-respecting Hebrew would wear socks and sandals. It's unheard of. However, we know of many Europeans adopting this style of dress, particularly in the Germanic regions."

The bottom line? "Jesus may be of the house of David but his brother is of the house of Europe," said Dr. Rosenrosen.

Artist's rendering of Joses

Father becomes addicted to p0rn after watching the breastfeeding channel in the hospital

MURRAY - Following the birth of his third child a LaDaSa father became addicted to p0rn while staying in the hospital. It happened after he came across the breastfeeding channel on the TV in his wife's recovery room. The father, who wished to remain anonymous, spoke with us earlier this week.

"Right after the birth of my daughter they took her and my wife to the recovery room while I went up to the main suite," said the father. "I flipped on the TV and started surfing. Not too many channels to choose from but toward the top of the dial I came across a pair of what looked like giant squid eyes staring back at me. It took me a minute to figure out what it was but then it hit me: they were jubblies!"

When we asked the hospital why they were showing p0rn on the room TVs they laughed in our face. "It's just the breast feeding channel," replied Ronald Jeremiah, hospital spokesman. "Many of our new mothers don't know how to breastfeed properly. We offer the channel as an educational tool. If the father's watch it too, well, they are dudes, right?"

The anonymous father says he is going to see if he can subscribe to the channel once he gets home. "It's for my wife, I swear!"



As always, if you have any 'news' tips or would like to see a certain topic covered, email us at astutedoofus@gmail.com. We'll give you props in the story.

Rights to Fast and Testimony meetings purchased by Frommers

SALT LAKE CITY - In a surprising business deal an agreement has been reached between Frommer's Travel Guides (FROMM) and LaDaSa Church (LADA) for rights to all fast and testimony meeting content, excluding hymns. With an increasing amount of travel data becoming available online, Frommer's, publishers of travel guidebooks since 1957, has seen its business affected by the fact that anyone with a smart phone and half a brain can find all the travel recommendations they'll ever need.

Terms of the deal were not disclosed, though an individual with inside information spoke to us on condition of anonymity and said the deal is worth "potentially hundreds!"

Gordon Fox, president of Frommer's, says this deal should help them get back on top of the travel publishing game. "We are really excited about this acquisition," explained Mr. Fox. "Anyone who has spent 10 minutes in a Mormon fast and testimony meeting has heard wonderful travel stories. We are confident that by putting these stories, or travelogues if you will, in our books people will want to pick up a copy. Nothing like a personal recommendation."

We reached out to church spokesman Bruce McDunnough for comment but did not receive a response. The deal is expected to be finalized in May of this year.



As always, if you have any 'news' tips or would like to see a certain topic covered, email us at astutedoofus@gmail.com. We'll give you props in the story.

The Deseret Book Feminist Collection; available exclusively through Astute Doofus

I'm excited to announce the Deseret Book Feminist Collection, available exclusively through Astute Doofus. We are rolling things out piecemeal so check back later for more offerings. Enjoy.

---

Protesting the protesters, General Conference edition

Advice column: Doofus ex machina, General Conference edition

DEAR DOOFUS: I'm 34 years old. I've attended church all my life. I served a mission and currently I am serving in my elder's quorum. I read the scriptures every day and I pay tithing. I consider myself spiritual but during the most recent general conference I was listening to the MoTab and I realized I HATE CHOIR MUSIC!  I can't stand it. Does that mean I'm going to hell?
--HELLBOUND HENRY IN HERRIMAN


DEAR HELLBOUND: This is an interesting question. Personally, I hate the Beatles. I can't stand their music. But every other person on the planet loves the Beatles. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the wrong one but then I realize, no, it's not me. Like the old saying goes, 1 billion Chinese can be wrong, so there you go. Feel free to dislike choir music. It shouldn't matter to you that the First Presidency, 12 apostles, 70, all stake presidents and bishops, down to the lowliest nursery member, love choir music. You are the one on solid spiritual ground my friend.

---

DEAR DOOFUS: I'd rather not say where I live. I won't even say what gender I am. I will say that I live somewhere where it is more convenient to record conference than to watch it live (since it is broadcast in the middle of the night where I live). When I replay conference I end up fast forwarding through the women's talks. I just can't stand the 'primary voice'. Is this wrong to do?
--FAST FORWARDER ____ in ____

DEAR FAST FORWARD: Hmm, this is a tough one. I'm just spit balling  but here goes. I would say it is only OK to fast forward if your current calling is in the primary or nursery, or if your profession deals with kids in any capacity. One can only hear the primary voice so much. If you have any other calling in church though, you are obligated to watch ALL talks regardless of the gender of the person speaking. If women start praying in conference we will need to revisit...wait, what?!

Have a questions for Doofus ex Machina? Email him at astutedoofus@gmail.com

LaDaSa man accidentally excommunicated when he is mistaken as creator of 'Mormon Rap'

AMERICAN FORK - Walter N. Hays has had a rough week. Resident of American Fork and (former) LaDaSa member of the American Fork west stake, Mr. Hays was mistakenly excommunicated earlier this week by his stake president, Howard McDonald. Turns out Pres. McDonald made a serious error.

"I feel terrible, I really do. I had no idea that the Mormon Rap was done by a band. I thought it was an individual," said Pres. McDonald. "My brother used to listen to that song all the time and it drove me nuts. I even left the church for a stretch because it hurt my testimony so much. I figured that if prophets were inspired they would have known that turd was coming down the pike and put a stop to it. Obviously they didn't so I withdrew from church."

Gay LaDaSa man called to teach gospel doctrine in mother's lounge

PORTLAND - An openly gay LaDaSa man has been called to teach gospel doctrine in his ward building's mother's lounge. Brent Borden, member of the Portland 7th ward, was called and sustained this week.

"I'm really excited to jump right in," Brent says. "I've been a teacher my whole life so this is a wonderful opportunity for my to share my talents."

FROM THE ARCHIVES: Man tries to pay tithing on money made from scalping Archuleta/MoTab tickets, is rebuffed

Click here for background.

December 2, 2010. 
SALT LAKE CITY - A LaDaSa man has been rebuked for his attempt to pay tithing on the money he made from scalping tickets to the David Archuleta/Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas concert. Each year the Mormon Tabernacle Choir puts on a Christmas concert for the community and each year a national luminary is invited to perform with the choir. Past participants include Angela Lansbury, Roma Downey and Gladys Knight. The Church always receives more requests for tickets than they can accommodate so a lottery system is set up. Those lucky enough to have their names picked receive their tickets in the mail.

Buy here: http://bit.ly/10XguIh

This year, middle-age-married-woman heartthrob David Archuleta is slated to perform. This has caused an unusually high demand for tickets, enticing those who win the lottery to consider selling the tickets. One of those people is Walter Peck, a resident of Taylorsville, UT.

Walter Peck

We caught up with Walter at the local role playing card store to ask him about his experience selling the Archuleta/MoTab tickets online.

"I originally put my name in for the lottery for my wife. When I saw how nuts all those crazy old broads was going for the tickets I figured I had done won the sissy lottery so why not make a few greenbacks? I'm straight up so I knowed I had to pay my 10% on the money I made."

Destruction and firing of Nauvoo Expositor was really just a ward basketball game that got out of hand

Second run of Nauvoo Expositor

PROVO - Professors at Brigham Young University made a startling announcement today. Coming on the heels of months of research two professors of early church history declared that the destruction of the Nauvoo Expositor was nothing more than "a ward basketball game that got out of hand."

Walter Gregory and Tony Summerhays, teaching at BYU since 1988, were shocked at what their research uncovered. Said Prof. Summerhays, "We initially thought the Expositor only published one issue. Turns out we were wrong. There was actually one issue before the June 7th (and final) printing."


Prof. Gregory picks up the story: "The Nauvoo 6th ward and the Commerce 19th ward had a bad history when it came to sports, almost like the BYU/UofU rivalry today. The Nauvoo ward claimed Joseph Smith, Orson Pratt and Brigham Young as members. They were considered the 'Lord's Team'. On the other hand, the Commerce ward's most famous member was Jesse Gause. They took pride in being the guys from the other side of the river. Needless to say, every time they met to play ball things were chippy."

Advice column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: I'm a 29.7 year old female, currently attending a single's ward. The bishop recently put up a bulletin board in the foyer. The girls have started putting up pictures of themselves, along with a profile, and tear-away phone numbers. The boys then come along and grab the numbers of the women they'd like to date. Unfortunately no one has taken any of my numbers. Would it be wrong for me to tear off a few of my own numbers to make it look like I'm a hot commodity? Thanks Doofus!
--DESPERATE DELORES


DEAR DELORES: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is the funniest question I've received in a long time. I haven't laughed this hard since someone asked me if it was OK to look at p0rn as long as they did it with their spouse. Thanks for making my morning.

LaDaSa teen crushed when patriarch proclaims he wasn't a general in the War in Heaven

PLEASANT GROVE - A local teen received devastating news today when he was given his patriarchal blessing. He had visited his stake patriarch with high hopes but came away severely disappointed. We caught up with Kaden Jathen to get the full story.

"All my friends were getting their blessings," says Kaden. "And without fail they all were really pleased with the content they were hearing. You know, stuff like being generals in heaven and helping to cast Satan down to outer darkness in the pre-existence. One of my friends' blessings says he'll go on his mission to Idaho but then he'll be called to open the Chinese mission. Another of my friends was told that he would marry a '10' and live in a mansion. All really cool stuff."

So what about his blessing didn't he like? What did he feel was wrong with it?

EQ Pres wants legislation to prevent unnecessary moving requests

TAYLORSVILLE - An Elder's Quorum president in the Taylorsville 9th ward of the LaDaSa church wants to introduce legislation to the ward council that would prevent unnecessary moving requests from being sent to his quorum. Christopher Scott, EQ president for the past six months, has decided that when it comes to moving people enough is enough.

"I completely understand that there are those who truly have a need when it comes to moving in or out of a house or apartment," President Scott said. "The trouble arises when we feel we are being taken advantage of. I'm sure every elder in the church can tell horror stories about moving so I'll just share one. I had to move a single sister once, which by itself is a worthy cause. The problem was her 26 year old fatty of a son sat on his wide can watching TV while we moved everything in. It's times like that where you become a little less careful about not scratching furniture, you know what I mean?"

LaDaSa church announces women will never have priesthood because 'baby blessing circles are already too big'

A small group, from the old days

SALT LAKE CITY - Coming on the heels of the new website OrdainWomen.org the LaDaSa church announced that women will not be ordained to the priesthood 'anytime soon' because of the alarming trend of baby blessing circles becoming bigger and bigger. Church spokesman Bruce McDunnough sat down with us to elaborate.

"Attend any Salt Lake Valley ward on fast Sunday, especially at the southwest end of the valley, and chances are you will see one or more babies being blessed. I dare you to try and find a parking spot five minutes before services begin. Those are packed meetings. We're talking Primary Program packed. If you make it inside tell me what you see when the time comes for the baby blessing. It will blow your mind."

LaDaSa church lowers missionary age for men to 18; Joseph F. Smith shrugs

Joseph F. Smith, not impressed

SALT LAKE CITY - In a move that shocked most members of the church, LaDaSa church president Thomas S. Monson made a major announcement during the most recent general conference. President Monson proclaimed that, effective immediately, young men who had turned 18 and had graduated from high school may be eligible to serve a full-time mission. The previous age minimum was 19.

When made aware of the announcement former church president Joseph F. Smith shrugged.