Advice column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: I am a single man, aged 23. I attend a single's ward in Salt Lake Valley. I'm currently hanging out with a girl but I'm really interested in her roommate. Is it possible to pull off the roommate swap? Help me out here!
--CREEPY CRAIG


DEAR CREEPY: If you've seen Seinfeld you know this is one of the most difficult tricks, or I should say illusions, to pull off. I only know of one man who has pulled it off and he is writing this column. Let me start of by saying this: You aren't in the single's ward to make friends. You are there to get a wife. Who cares if a few roomies get their feelings hurt? It's not like any of them own you. Plus, everyone loves a good catfight.
Here's the bottom line: If you really like the roommate, go for it. The girl you are hanging out with now has no claim on you and the roommate is an adult. She can choose for herself. You need to keep an eternal perspective on the situation. How long will the roommates be roommates? Maybe two or three years? How long will you be with your wife? Hopefully longer than that. You do the math.

Single's ward gospel doctrine class

FROM THE ARCHIVES: City Creek Mall opens; critics say money would have been better spent on rainbows and puppies

EDITOR'S NOTE - One year ago today the City Creek Mall opened. We take a look back.

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March 22, 2012
SALT LAKE CITY - The City Creek Mall, financed by the LaDaSa church, opened to much fanfare today. While there are plenty of excited shoppers not everyone is pleased with the mall. Critics say that the church should have been more wise with their spending.

We caught up with Willie Scott, vocal critic of the mall and owner of mormonthinkstories.wordpress.com. The resident critic says that the money should have been spent on worthier causes. Says Scott, "My sister just returned from a mission in Malaysia. Do you know how many people there could have been fed if the church sent the money there instead of spending it on this tawdry mall? Well, it depends on what kind of food we are talking. Obviously stuff like Toaster Strudel costs more than Pop Tarts. Then if you go generic it is even cheaper but some of that generic stuff tastes awful. And don't get me started on real Fruity Pebbles vs. that bottom shelf nonsense in a bag. They say you can't taste the difference but they are full of it. Anyway, it's a lot of food no matter what."

Willie Scott

Web developer Scott went on to discuss the church's efforts locally: "Some people have complained that the church is too focused on retail, which is a money loser. I also heard a rumor that the church was cutting back on discounted meals for church employees. I don't know about that, I just heard a rumor. It could be true. It might not be true, but I'll throw it out there anyway. Maybe you could look into it? Also, if you have time, could you look into the rumor I heard about the secret Oliver Cowdery history being kept in the First Presidency's vault? I think that's a solid rumor. I'll just put that out there and hopefully someone can substantiate. I don't really have time to do it myself."

At the end of the day, good or ill, the mall is here to stay. Do you think it is money well spent? Let us know. Please keep the conversation respectful.



As always, if you have any 'news' tips or would like to see a certain topic covered, email us at astutedoofus@gmail.com. We'll give you props in the story.

Scriptures 1981 and Scriptures 2013

In honor of the recently announced new edition of LDS scriptures let's take a look back at the last time this happened.

Pres. Packer, 1982 General Conference

Quoting from Pres. Packer's talk he says the 1981 edition of the scriptures was one of the "...most important of all the things that we have done in recent generations."

Click on the picture to view or read his talk.

Newly called Seventy feels immense pressure to use initial instead of first name

A few General Authorities with the 'initial' name

SALT LAKE CITY - Wilford F. Pieper, newly called member of the Second Quorum of the Seventy, says that since his call to the quorum in April he has felt pressure to drop all the letters in his given name following the first one.

"It's interesting because it's not as if anyone has come up to me and said, 'Hey you should go by W. Fredrick Pieper!' It's more of an undercurrent, kind of like background noise. When people see me in the lunch room they'll say 'Hey W, how's lunch today?' or when they leave notes on my desk they write 'Sorry we missed you W. I'll catch you later.' It's strange."

Elder Pieper grew up in the church so he's aware that many general authorities have used an initial for a first name, he's just not sure why he's getting pressure to do the same.

"I wonder why they don't coerce someone else? There's a few other guys I can think of off the top of my head that would benefit from a name shortening. Take Jaythen Scott Woodruff for example. He's a great guy and I'm not picking on him but honestly, would you rather hear a talk on getting your house in order from a guy named 'Jaythen Woodruff' or 'J. Scott Woodruff'?"

Church spokesman Bruce McDunnough declined to comment on this story.

As always, if you have any 'news' tips or would like to see a certain topic covered, email us at astutedoofus@gmail.com. We'll give you props in the story.

Stake adds 13th high councilman to address nursery obesity

SAN FRANCISCO - The San Francisco stake of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (or LaDaSa church) has taken the unprecedented step of adding a 13th high councilman to combat the growing epidemic of nursery obesity. LaDaSa stakes, equivalent to a Catholic diocese, normally have 12 high councilmen. Their job is to assist the stake president (similar to a Catholic bishop) in administering the needs of the several congregations in the stake. Each high councilman is given an area of assignment within the stake, to act as a sort of resource to the congregations in that area. For example, one high councilman would be over the Boy Scouts, another over Primary, etc.

San Francisco stake president Max Yasgur spoke with us about this controversial change. "I've heard it said that children are our future and if that is true then we need to ensure they are healthy so they can make it to the future. I was touring the nurseries one month and I noticed a troubling fact: almost every child in nursery is obese. Some of these kids have fat folds ON TOP of their knees. That's not acceptable for adults so why should it be acceptable for kids?"

Ward clerk asked to over-count attendance each week so bishop can get ward split

REXBURG- A bishop of the Rexburg 63rd ward has been caught in a bit of an embarrassing situation. It turns out he had asked his ward clerk to inflate sacrament meeting attendance numbers in order to get his congregation split. Apparently there were a few families that the bishop just didn't want to deal with anymore.

We were able to speak with Jeff Wigand, the former clerk of the 63rd ward and whistle blower on Bishop Tom Sandefur. According to Bro. Wigand he felt like he had no choice but to speak out:

"This is important to me. The LaDaSa church is the only church in the world that still organizes geographically. What that means is you don't live in one part of town but go to church in another part of town. The gospel net is cast wide on purpose. You are meant to go to church with all the 'fishes'".

Advice Column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: I am a 23 year old mother with a 18 month old son. I am a firm believer in breastfeeding but I'm wondering how old is too old when it comes to the age of the child?
--"Breast" wishes, PONDERING PARENT IN PROVO.


DEAR PONDERING: Let me tell you a story that I think might answer your question. I was visiting a friend one day and while we were in her living room chatting her son came out and intimated that he was hungry. Whereupon my friend lifted her shirt and let the boy latch on. When the boy was full he detached and said, "Delicious!" Do you think that boy is too old to be breastfed? I like to use a simple phrase to help me remember: "If the kid can speak, stop the leak". I would also recommend picking up the following video at your local store:

Surprising results from BYU study on lost 116 pages

Artist's rendering of 116 pages

PROVO - A group of linguists at Brigham Young University have recently concluded a study dealing with the lost 116 pages of the Book of Mormon, and their findings are shocking. Jeff Trent, professor of ancient near east literature and krumping, called the results of the study groundbreaking. "Studying the 116 pages is obviously impossible since they aren't extant but we have found some interesting workarounds that have allowed us to move forward. Relational comparison within a classical framework for example." The group urged people to be patient while they normalized the data but they nevertheless remained optimistic.

Kitschy art, pt. I

I have a great love for kitschy Mormon stuff, whether it is art, sculpture, oil vials or tchotchkes. I want to share my love with the world. Enjoy this first installment.

Original found here: www.docbox.org


As always, if you have any 'news' tips or would like to see a certain topic covered, email us at astutedoofus@gmail.com. We'll give you props in the story.

Bumper sticker of the day

As always, if you have any 'news' tips or would like to see a certain topic covered, email us at astutedoofus@gmail.com. We'll give you props in the story.

20 years of regret: "It should've been the September Seven"

Dennis Whitesides

Story by Lyman Johnson
New Plymouth - Regrets, he's had a few. Dennis Brownsides often sits quietly in his New Plymouth, ID home, wondering what could have been. "Had I only known what was coming down the road..." He drifts off into deep thought again, staring into the distance.

I've come to this sleepy Idaho town to answer the question: How close were we to having a September Seven? Dennis and I have been meeting the past few days to pore over old photographs and scan through old journal entries. "I grew up as a LaDaSa. I bet you didn't know that". I did actually. I'd done my homework. "Let's get back to the journals," I say wearily. It's been a grinding, depressing few days.

Church comments on "Wear Pants to Church", Hymnbook changes

Salt Lake City - Today the LDS Church issued a statement  through spokesman Bruce McDunnough regarding the recent "Wear Pants to Church Day" movement, as well as the "Let a Woman Pray in General Conference" push. Mr. McDunnough also addressed upcoming changes to the LDS hymnbook.

"The church has long advocated, when possible, for members to attend church in their 'Sunday best'", McDunnough said. "We recognize that Sunday best is defined differently in many areas around the world. Beyond that definition, we offer no counsel".

LaDaSa Stake to rename Pinewood derby to 'dad wiener measuring contest'

Laramie - A LaDaSa stake in Laramie, WY has decided to change the name of the annual Pinewood derby to 'Dad Wiener Measuring Contest'. Scout leader Richard Johnson says the decision was inevitable. "For the past 10 years the cars have gotten more and more elaborate while the boy scouts' actual involvement in making the cars has lessened," he says. "It's really turned into a yearly contest of  the fathers trying to outdo one another. They wouldn't dream of showing up with a car their kid had made on their own".

Welcome to Astute Doofus

This post is a bit superfluous because you can read all about this site here. By way of additional information I just wanted to let you know that this site is a work in progress. I know it is tacky, but some of the links don't work and I'm still trying to get the look just right. Don't worry though. All the good stuff will be accessible.

I welcome any tips, comments, compliments and (light) criticisms. I'll do my best to respond to any email or text that I get. I figure I owe you at least that much.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy your visit. Tell your friends...

PS - If you stare at the image above you can see gray ghosts in the white lines. Totally unintentional.