Advice column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: I'm a 29.7 year old female, currently attending a single's ward. The bishop recently put up a bulletin board in the foyer. The girls have started putting up pictures of themselves, along with a profile, and tear-away phone numbers. The boys then come along and grab the numbers of the women they'd like to date. Unfortunately no one has taken any of my numbers. Would it be wrong for me to tear off a few of my own numbers to make it look like I'm a hot commodity? Thanks Doofus!
--DESPERATE DELORES


DEAR DELORES: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is the funniest question I've received in a long time. I haven't laughed this hard since someone asked me if it was OK to look at p0rn as long as they did it with their spouse. Thanks for making my morning.



I once had a job at Cold Stone Creamery. My first day on the job, before the store opened, I noticed that my fellow employees took a few dollars from the register and dropped them in the tip jar. When I asked what was up they said they were just 'greasing the tip jar'. The theory is that if customers see an empty tip jar they are less inclined to put money in. Contrariwise, a fuller tip jar is more likely to be added upon.
So I say go ahead and 'grease your tip jar'. Remove a few strips from your pin-up ad to get the ball rolling.

Sweet spirit...

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DEAR DOOFUS: I live in Pleasant Grove, UT. I just got called to teach the CTR 6 class. So far I love everything about primary except one thing: the song Book of Mormon Stories. Well, not the song per se but the actions. As you know, whenever Lamanites are mentioned in the song the kids and teachers put two fingers behind their head, like they have feathers or something. It's so offensive. The chorister, bless his heart, just doesn't know any better. What do I do?
--Politically Correct in PG

DEAR PC in PG: I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news? You are right to be outraged. The bad news? You are torqued off for the wrong reason. You see, the problem with Book of Mormon Stories isn't that kids are stereotyping native Americans. It's that the song is historically inaccurate. Whoever wrote the diddy assumed a hemispheric model of Book of Mormon geography, ergo all native Americans are descendants of Lamanites. That's just not true. Even the church changed the introduction to the Book of Mormon to support the localized geography model.
To sum up, don't fret about the actions to Book of Mormon Stories. You should instead be focused on helping the kids in your class situate the Book of Mormon somewhere in central America. They'll sleep better.

Can't believe people still take hemispheric model seriously

Have a questions for Doofus ex Machina? Email him at astutedoofus@gmail.com