Advice column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: I am a 25 year old single female. The other day I read your column about the father that had become addicted to p0rn after watching the breastfeeding channel in the hospital. I'll do you one better. I majored in environmental studies while attending the University of Utah. During one class they showed a documentary about geoducks. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Not only do they look like, um, a johnson, but their name literally means "dig deep". I was hooked. Next thing you know I'm staying up all night, searching the internet for images or videos of geoducks. I started missing classes. Then that wasn't enough. I thought about moving to the north west to be closer to them and I tried to grow those wiener mushrooms. I even thought about buying a dachshund and I'm allergic. I'm hooked. What can I do?
--Can't get enough Carly

Advice Column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: Related your discussion on the size of oil vials, some of the members in my ward have begun to ask to see documented lines of authority before accepting blessings.  One elderly near-blind sister shouts "Show me your papers!" in a rather aggressive manner, and uses a magnifying glass to examine the priesthood heritage of several people until she is satisfied. Needless to say those with the shortest lines back to Joseph Smith and the three witnesses seem to be called on more frequently than the rest of us.  Those whose lines include favored priesthood holders such as Bruce R. McConkie, James Stewart, or Eliza R. Snow seem to be particularly busy.  Mine reads like a simple list of names and dates, while some seem to have additional sought-after details such as "who was ordained whilst surrounded by angelic beings in a blazing ring of fire", or "who used their priesthood to bind up Satan for the duration of conference."  What can be done if your pedigree is lacking? 
--Onesimus

Advice Column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: My wife just had our third child. In a few weeks I will be doing the baby blessing. Is it considered prideful if I try to have the biggest baby blessing circle in the history of our ward?
--Peter Priesthood


DEAR PETER: Great question. This all depends on why you are trying to have the biggest blessing circle. Here are some legitimate reasons: You have a general authority in your ward and you want to impress him; you have a bush-league calling and this is the only avenue you have to shine; your bishop thinks women can't give the opening prayer in sacrament and this is a way to get back at him, etc. There are many other reasons but this should give you a good starting point. Let me know how it goes.

Formula for creating biggest prayer circle

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DEAR DOOFUS: I was caught in an embarrassing situation the other day. One of my home teaching families asked me and my HT companion to come over and help give the mom a blessing. When we both took our oil vials out mine was so much smaller than my companion's. Needless to say I wasn't asked to give the blessing. What can I do?
--Lilliputian Larry

DEAR LARRY: I hate to break it to you but size does matter. You don't want someone inferring that their blessing is bigger than yours. I would suggest not giving any more blessings until you can procure a bigger oil vial. Maybe just stick with blessings of comfort for now. You are in luck though. The Astute Doofus store is going to start carrying oversize oil vials in the near future. Check back soon.

Which would you rather have a blessing from?

Have a questions for Doofus ex Machina? Email him at astutedoofus@gmail.com

Advice column: Doofus ex machina, General Conference edition

DEAR DOOFUS: I'm 34 years old. I've attended church all my life. I served a mission and currently I am serving in my elder's quorum. I read the scriptures every day and I pay tithing. I consider myself spiritual but during the most recent general conference I was listening to the MoTab and I realized I HATE CHOIR MUSIC!  I can't stand it. Does that mean I'm going to hell?
--HELLBOUND HENRY IN HERRIMAN


DEAR HELLBOUND: This is an interesting question. Personally, I hate the Beatles. I can't stand their music. But every other person on the planet loves the Beatles. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the wrong one but then I realize, no, it's not me. Like the old saying goes, 1 billion Chinese can be wrong, so there you go. Feel free to dislike choir music. It shouldn't matter to you that the First Presidency, 12 apostles, 70, all stake presidents and bishops, down to the lowliest nursery member, love choir music. You are the one on solid spiritual ground my friend.

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DEAR DOOFUS: I'd rather not say where I live. I won't even say what gender I am. I will say that I live somewhere where it is more convenient to record conference than to watch it live (since it is broadcast in the middle of the night where I live). When I replay conference I end up fast forwarding through the women's talks. I just can't stand the 'primary voice'. Is this wrong to do?
--FAST FORWARDER ____ in ____

DEAR FAST FORWARD: Hmm, this is a tough one. I'm just spit balling  but here goes. I would say it is only OK to fast forward if your current calling is in the primary or nursery, or if your profession deals with kids in any capacity. One can only hear the primary voice so much. If you have any other calling in church though, you are obligated to watch ALL talks regardless of the gender of the person speaking. If women start praying in conference we will need to revisit...wait, what?!

Have a questions for Doofus ex Machina? Email him at astutedoofus@gmail.com

Advice column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: I'm a 29.7 year old female, currently attending a single's ward. The bishop recently put up a bulletin board in the foyer. The girls have started putting up pictures of themselves, along with a profile, and tear-away phone numbers. The boys then come along and grab the numbers of the women they'd like to date. Unfortunately no one has taken any of my numbers. Would it be wrong for me to tear off a few of my own numbers to make it look like I'm a hot commodity? Thanks Doofus!
--DESPERATE DELORES


DEAR DELORES: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is the funniest question I've received in a long time. I haven't laughed this hard since someone asked me if it was OK to look at p0rn as long as they did it with their spouse. Thanks for making my morning.

Advice column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: I am a single man, aged 23. I attend a single's ward in Salt Lake Valley. I'm currently hanging out with a girl but I'm really interested in her roommate. Is it possible to pull off the roommate swap? Help me out here!
--CREEPY CRAIG


DEAR CREEPY: If you've seen Seinfeld you know this is one of the most difficult tricks, or I should say illusions, to pull off. I only know of one man who has pulled it off and he is writing this column. Let me start of by saying this: You aren't in the single's ward to make friends. You are there to get a wife. Who cares if a few roomies get their feelings hurt? It's not like any of them own you. Plus, everyone loves a good catfight.
Here's the bottom line: If you really like the roommate, go for it. The girl you are hanging out with now has no claim on you and the roommate is an adult. She can choose for herself. You need to keep an eternal perspective on the situation. How long will the roommates be roommates? Maybe two or three years? How long will you be with your wife? Hopefully longer than that. You do the math.

Single's ward gospel doctrine class

Advice Column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: I am a 23 year old mother with a 18 month old son. I am a firm believer in breastfeeding but I'm wondering how old is too old when it comes to the age of the child?
--"Breast" wishes, PONDERING PARENT IN PROVO.


DEAR PONDERING: Let me tell you a story that I think might answer your question. I was visiting a friend one day and while we were in her living room chatting her son came out and intimated that he was hungry. Whereupon my friend lifted her shirt and let the boy latch on. When the boy was full he detached and said, "Delicious!" Do you think that boy is too old to be breastfed? I like to use a simple phrase to help me remember: "If the kid can speak, stop the leak". I would also recommend picking up the following video at your local store: