Advice Column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: Related your discussion on the size of oil vials, some of the members in my ward have begun to ask to see documented lines of authority before accepting blessings.  One elderly near-blind sister shouts "Show me your papers!" in a rather aggressive manner, and uses a magnifying glass to examine the priesthood heritage of several people until she is satisfied. Needless to say those with the shortest lines back to Joseph Smith and the three witnesses seem to be called on more frequently than the rest of us.  Those whose lines include favored priesthood holders such as Bruce R. McConkie, James Stewart, or Eliza R. Snow seem to be particularly busy.  Mine reads like a simple list of names and dates, while some seem to have additional sought-after details such as "who was ordained whilst surrounded by angelic beings in a blazing ring of fire", or "who used their priesthood to bind up Satan for the duration of conference."  What can be done if your pedigree is lacking? 
--Onesimus



DEAR ONESIMUS: You have a very interesting situation in your ward and it is a situation I expect to see become more and more common. Luckily Astute Doofus is here for you. First of all, let me give a helping hand to readers that DO have a favored line of authority. Instead of needing  to carry around your bulky line of authority, why not have it engraved right on your enormous oil vial? The biggest name in the business of priestcraft has a great deal for you. Visit them today!

Now, let's talk about those that may not have the flashiest line of authority. There are a few options here. Your first, and probably best bet, is to go with the Deseret Book Fine Oil collection (sold exclusively through Astute Doofus). No matter how fancy your oil vial is, the contents are just ordinary...unless you are an astute shopper and pick up some oil from our Fine Oil collection. These pure oils were consecrated in various temples throughout the church. Prices depend on the temple.

If these oils aren't quite enough for the blind old broad in your ward you may want to consider oil from the Holy Land. These are as close to the 'source' as you can get. As an added bonus, they are stored in an actual olive tree taken from the Garden of Gethsemane. Only our most discerning customers go this route but it is worth every considerable penny.

Astute Doofus approved!

As I said above the Fine Oil collection is the easiest route to go to please even the pickiest authority bigots. If, however, the fancy oil just isn't enough you may want to consider a Line of Authority 'genealogist'. These experts have ways of making your LOA look a little better, if you know what I mean. Think of it as padding your resume. I have a friend that used them and all they needed was a few passport size photos of you and $2500. These baby's will pass the jeweler's loupe test.

Pick a prophet, any prophet...

Have a questions for Doofus ex Machina? Email him at astutedoofus@gmail.com