Advice Column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: Related your discussion on the size of oil vials, some of the members in my ward have begun to ask to see documented lines of authority before accepting blessings.  One elderly near-blind sister shouts "Show me your papers!" in a rather aggressive manner, and uses a magnifying glass to examine the priesthood heritage of several people until she is satisfied. Needless to say those with the shortest lines back to Joseph Smith and the three witnesses seem to be called on more frequently than the rest of us.  Those whose lines include favored priesthood holders such as Bruce R. McConkie, James Stewart, or Eliza R. Snow seem to be particularly busy.  Mine reads like a simple list of names and dates, while some seem to have additional sought-after details such as "who was ordained whilst surrounded by angelic beings in a blazing ring of fire", or "who used their priesthood to bind up Satan for the duration of conference."  What can be done if your pedigree is lacking? 
--Onesimus

LaDaSa church to allow prophet to pick his name 'like the popes do'

SALT LAKE CITY - The LaDaSa church announced today that the next prophet will be able to change his name upon becoming president of the church, similar to how popes pick a new name. Since 1555 each pope has chosen a new name upon his ascension to the papacy. The LaDaSa church thinks that's a good idea.

EQ Pres wants legislation to prevent unnecessary moving requests

TAYLORSVILLE - An Elder's Quorum president in the Taylorsville 9th ward of the LaDaSa church wants to introduce legislation to the ward council that would prevent unnecessary moving requests from being sent to his quorum. Christopher Scott, EQ president for the past six months, has decided that when it comes to moving people enough is enough.

"I completely understand that there are those who truly have a need when it comes to moving in or out of a house or apartment," President Scott said. "The trouble arises when we feel we are being taken advantage of. I'm sure every elder in the church can tell horror stories about moving so I'll just share one. I had to move a single sister once, which by itself is a worthy cause. The problem was her 26 year old fatty of a son sat on his wide can watching TV while we moved everything in. It's times like that where you become a little less careful about not scratching furniture, you know what I mean?"

LaDaSa church announces women will never have priesthood because 'baby blessing circles are already too big'

A small group, from the old days

SALT LAKE CITY - Coming on the heels of the new website OrdainWomen.org the LaDaSa church announced that women will not be ordained to the priesthood 'anytime soon' because of the alarming trend of baby blessing circles becoming bigger and bigger. Church spokesman Bruce McDunnough sat down with us to elaborate.

"Attend any Salt Lake Valley ward on fast Sunday, especially at the southwest end of the valley, and chances are you will see one or more babies being blessed. I dare you to try and find a parking spot five minutes before services begin. Those are packed meetings. We're talking Primary Program packed. If you make it inside tell me what you see when the time comes for the baby blessing. It will blow your mind."