Pick up lines to use at your next LaDaSa church function

From our friends at @OnlyMormons (follow them now!) come some incredibly useful pick up lines. 60% of the time they work every time. Just don't forget to invite me to your wedding.

Girl, are you the First Vision? Because your brightness and glory defy all description...

Girl you're so hot you could have burned Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego...

Hey girl, wanna hold the priesthood? Then come over here and give me a hug...

So last night I was reading the book of Numbers and I realized I don't have yours...

Girl are you an apricot tree? Because you get my popcorn poppin...

Girl you are like the workmanship of Laban's Sword: exceedingly fine...

Girl that is some fine twined linen you've got going on...

What's a Celestial girl like you doing in a Telestial place like this?

Girl even if I lived in the 1800s I wouldn't marry another person once I got you...

As always, if you have any 'news' tips or would like to see a certain topic covered, email us at astutedoofus@gmail.com. We'll give you props in the story

Advice column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: I'm a 29.7 year old female, currently attending a single's ward. The bishop recently put up a bulletin board in the foyer. The girls have started putting up pictures of themselves, along with a profile, and tear-away phone numbers. The boys then come along and grab the numbers of the women they'd like to date. Unfortunately no one has taken any of my numbers. Would it be wrong for me to tear off a few of my own numbers to make it look like I'm a hot commodity? Thanks Doofus!
--DESPERATE DELORES


DEAR DELORES: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is the funniest question I've received in a long time. I haven't laughed this hard since someone asked me if it was OK to look at p0rn as long as they did it with their spouse. Thanks for making my morning.

Advice column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: I am a single man, aged 23. I attend a single's ward in Salt Lake Valley. I'm currently hanging out with a girl but I'm really interested in her roommate. Is it possible to pull off the roommate swap? Help me out here!
--CREEPY CRAIG


DEAR CREEPY: If you've seen Seinfeld you know this is one of the most difficult tricks, or I should say illusions, to pull off. I only know of one man who has pulled it off and he is writing this column. Let me start of by saying this: You aren't in the single's ward to make friends. You are there to get a wife. Who cares if a few roomies get their feelings hurt? It's not like any of them own you. Plus, everyone loves a good catfight.
Here's the bottom line: If you really like the roommate, go for it. The girl you are hanging out with now has no claim on you and the roommate is an adult. She can choose for herself. You need to keep an eternal perspective on the situation. How long will the roommates be roommates? Maybe two or three years? How long will you be with your wife? Hopefully longer than that. You do the math.

Single's ward gospel doctrine class

Advice Column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: I am a 23 year old mother with a 18 month old son. I am a firm believer in breastfeeding but I'm wondering how old is too old when it comes to the age of the child?
--"Breast" wishes, PONDERING PARENT IN PROVO.


DEAR PONDERING: Let me tell you a story that I think might answer your question. I was visiting a friend one day and while we were in her living room chatting her son came out and intimated that he was hungry. Whereupon my friend lifted her shirt and let the boy latch on. When the boy was full he detached and said, "Delicious!" Do you think that boy is too old to be breastfed? I like to use a simple phrase to help me remember: "If the kid can speak, stop the leak". I would also recommend picking up the following video at your local store: