Advice column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: I am a 25 year old single female. The other day I read your column about the father that had become addicted to p0rn after watching the breastfeeding channel in the hospital. I'll do you one better. I majored in environmental studies while attending the University of Utah. During one class they showed a documentary about geoducks. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Not only do they look like, um, a johnson, but their name literally means "dig deep". I was hooked. Next thing you know I'm staying up all night, searching the internet for images or videos of geoducks. I started missing classes. Then that wasn't enough. I thought about moving to the north west to be closer to them and I tried to grow those wiener mushrooms. I even thought about buying a dachshund and I'm allergic. I'm hooked. What can I do?
--Can't get enough Carly

Father becomes addicted to p0rn after watching the breastfeeding channel in the hospital

MURRAY - Following the birth of his third child a LaDaSa father became addicted to p0rn while staying in the hospital. It happened after he came across the breastfeeding channel on the TV in his wife's recovery room. The father, who wished to remain anonymous, spoke with us earlier this week.

"Right after the birth of my daughter they took her and my wife to the recovery room while I went up to the main suite," said the father. "I flipped on the TV and started surfing. Not too many channels to choose from but toward the top of the dial I came across a pair of what looked like giant squid eyes staring back at me. It took me a minute to figure out what it was but then it hit me: they were jubblies!"

When we asked the hospital why they were showing p0rn on the room TVs they laughed in our face. "It's just the breast feeding channel," replied Ronald Jeremiah, hospital spokesman. "Many of our new mothers don't know how to breastfeed properly. We offer the channel as an educational tool. If the father's watch it too, well, they are dudes, right?"

The anonymous father says he is going to see if he can subscribe to the channel once he gets home. "It's for my wife, I swear!"



As always, if you have any 'news' tips or would like to see a certain topic covered, email us at astutedoofus@gmail.com. We'll give you props in the story.

Advice Column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: I am a 23 year old mother with a 18 month old son. I am a firm believer in breastfeeding but I'm wondering how old is too old when it comes to the age of the child?
--"Breast" wishes, PONDERING PARENT IN PROVO.


DEAR PONDERING: Let me tell you a story that I think might answer your question. I was visiting a friend one day and while we were in her living room chatting her son came out and intimated that he was hungry. Whereupon my friend lifted her shirt and let the boy latch on. When the boy was full he detached and said, "Delicious!" Do you think that boy is too old to be breastfed? I like to use a simple phrase to help me remember: "If the kid can speak, stop the leak". I would also recommend picking up the following video at your local store: