Advice column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: I am a 25 year old single female. The other day I read your column about the father that had become addicted to p0rn after watching the breastfeeding channel in the hospital. I'll do you one better. I majored in environmental studies while attending the University of Utah. During one class they showed a documentary about geoducks. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Not only do they look like, um, a johnson, but their name literally means "dig deep". I was hooked. Next thing you know I'm staying up all night, searching the internet for images or videos of geoducks. I started missing classes. Then that wasn't enough. I thought about moving to the north west to be closer to them and I tried to grow those wiener mushrooms. I even thought about buying a dachshund and I'm allergic. I'm hooked. What can I do?
--Can't get enough Carly


DEAR CAN'T GET ENOUGH: Is this not another obvious sign that in the last days Satan would get more and more cunning in his devices? He's long been at this game. It used to be that you had to actually go to a brothel or the back room of a produce department to find these evils. Now they are thrust in our faces at institutions of supposed higher learning and rising up in our yards overnight. It's hard to know what to do anymore. I do know that if you are willing to work tirelessly you can get over this hump.

First and foremost, don't ride on any trains for a week, don't use any pencils or pens, and don't visit the Washington Monument.

Second, avoid the produce section of your supermarket. They probably don't sell those evil fungi but I'm sure they have carrots, zucchini, summer squash, or asparagus. As a side note, they usually keep asparagus out of the carrot/zucchini section. It makes asparagus feel bad.

Like I said, it will be hard but I know if you are firm in your resolve you will be able to overcome and stand with your head erect, knowing that you conquered this affliction.



Have a questions for Doofus ex Machina? Email him at astutedoofus@gmail.com