Advice Column: Doofus ex machina

DEAR DOOFUS: My wife just had our third child. In a few weeks I will be doing the baby blessing. Is it considered prideful if I try to have the biggest baby blessing circle in the history of our ward?
--Peter Priesthood


DEAR PETER: Great question. This all depends on why you are trying to have the biggest blessing circle. Here are some legitimate reasons: You have a general authority in your ward and you want to impress him; you have a bush-league calling and this is the only avenue you have to shine; your bishop thinks women can't give the opening prayer in sacrament and this is a way to get back at him, etc. There are many other reasons but this should give you a good starting point. Let me know how it goes.

Formula for creating biggest prayer circle

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DEAR DOOFUS: I was caught in an embarrassing situation the other day. One of my home teaching families asked me and my HT companion to come over and help give the mom a blessing. When we both took our oil vials out mine was so much smaller than my companion's. Needless to say I wasn't asked to give the blessing. What can I do?
--Lilliputian Larry

DEAR LARRY: I hate to break it to you but size does matter. You don't want someone inferring that their blessing is bigger than yours. I would suggest not giving any more blessings until you can procure a bigger oil vial. Maybe just stick with blessings of comfort for now. You are in luck though. The Astute Doofus store is going to start carrying oversize oil vials in the near future. Check back soon.

Which would you rather have a blessing from?

Have a questions for Doofus ex Machina? Email him at astutedoofus@gmail.com

LaDaSa church announces women will never have priesthood because 'baby blessing circles are already too big'

A small group, from the old days

SALT LAKE CITY - Coming on the heels of the new website OrdainWomen.org the LaDaSa church announced that women will not be ordained to the priesthood 'anytime soon' because of the alarming trend of baby blessing circles becoming bigger and bigger. Church spokesman Bruce McDunnough sat down with us to elaborate.

"Attend any Salt Lake Valley ward on fast Sunday, especially at the southwest end of the valley, and chances are you will see one or more babies being blessed. I dare you to try and find a parking spot five minutes before services begin. Those are packed meetings. We're talking Primary Program packed. If you make it inside tell me what you see when the time comes for the baby blessing. It will blow your mind."