Farewells found to be 63% more annoying than homecomings.

"Admit it, you want to punch me in the face..."

PROVO - Researchers have just concluded a seven year study that focused on missionary farewells and homecomings. They found that homecomings were found to be 63% less annoying than farewells. The lead researcher, Gary Sanderson, spoke with us regarding his group's findings.

"We had a fairly large cross section for this study, something like six wards," explained Bro. Sanderson. "We attended several farewells and homecomings and handed out a survey afterward. The members were able to rate how annoyging the respective meetings were on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being least annoying and 10 being bishop of a singles ward. Survey after survey showed that the farewells were way more annoying."



Did the research point to why farewells were so obnoxious?

"We dare you to worship. We're here to party! Woo!"

"Yes it did. We found that congregants didn't really care that some fresh faced kid with a squeaky voice agreed to keep a particular commandment. It was like, 'Big deal. A kid says he's going to do something he's commanded to do. Will they throw me a party if I tell them I'll pay 10% of my income to the church? Give me a break'. We also saw comments along the lines of, 'This kid isn't even shaving yet and I get to be lectured by him for 20 minutes? What's he ever done? Before his mission call he had hair down to his butt. What does he know?'"

Brother Sanderson went on to explain that farewell after-parties probably came about as a way to offset how irritating the farewell itself was. "It was a way for the parents of the boy to buy absolution from the ward for annoying the crap out of them for an entire sacrament meeting. Think about it; you have the parents bragging about all the non-events from the boy's life, the dumb musical number by the sister who couldn't sing her way out of a paper bag, and the mother of all unfunny comedy routines by the boy. Don't forget about all the juvenile, chubby teenage friends that show up to support the missionary. You end up with a dork rave in the cultural hall. It's just a big burden for the ward members."

Professor Sanderson plans on submitting his research for peer review at the end of May.



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