Advice column: Doofus ex machina, General Conference edition

DEAR DOOFUS: I'm 34 years old. I've attended church all my life. I served a mission and currently I am serving in my elder's quorum. I read the scriptures every day and I pay tithing. I consider myself spiritual but during the most recent general conference I was listening to the MoTab and I realized I HATE CHOIR MUSIC!  I can't stand it. Does that mean I'm going to hell?
--HELLBOUND HENRY IN HERRIMAN


DEAR HELLBOUND: This is an interesting question. Personally, I hate the Beatles. I can't stand their music. But every other person on the planet loves the Beatles. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the wrong one but then I realize, no, it's not me. Like the old saying goes, 1 billion Chinese can be wrong, so there you go. Feel free to dislike choir music. It shouldn't matter to you that the First Presidency, 12 apostles, 70, all stake presidents and bishops, down to the lowliest nursery member, love choir music. You are the one on solid spiritual ground my friend.

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DEAR DOOFUS: I'd rather not say where I live. I won't even say what gender I am. I will say that I live somewhere where it is more convenient to record conference than to watch it live (since it is broadcast in the middle of the night where I live). When I replay conference I end up fast forwarding through the women's talks. I just can't stand the 'primary voice'. Is this wrong to do?
--FAST FORWARDER ____ in ____

DEAR FAST FORWARD: Hmm, this is a tough one. I'm just spit balling  but here goes. I would say it is only OK to fast forward if your current calling is in the primary or nursery, or if your profession deals with kids in any capacity. One can only hear the primary voice so much. If you have any other calling in church though, you are obligated to watch ALL talks regardless of the gender of the person speaking. If women start praying in conference we will need to revisit...wait, what?!

Have a questions for Doofus ex Machina? Email him at astutedoofus@gmail.com